Sorry to say, none of these were made up...
Me, 124 Monday lunches in a row: We need an adequate disaster recovery plan.
Boss: We do. We back up every day.
Me: What happens when we try to restore one of those backups?
Boss: I don't know. Why?
Me: Where's the test plan?
Boss: Jerry will make sure Fred's program works.
Me: Where's the "Expected Results" section on the test plan?
Boss: What?
Me: I don't have access to the production server.
Boss: I already emailed you your password.
Me: I know, but I don't know my login.
Boss: What's a login?
Me: That doesn't make any sense. Have the auditors approved it?
Boss: No, but we can't have everything.
Boss: I'm really upset that no one has updated me on Project 127.
Me: I cc'd you on all 9 Project 127 emails I sent this week.
Boss: I haven't had time to get caught up on my email.
Me: You've been invited to a meeting with 3 department heads to hash out their differences on Project 249.
Boss: I hate meetings.
Boss: Why haven't you started the Accounts Receivable project yet?
Me: Because management has not yet decided whether customer credit limits should be per division or companywide.
Boss: What difference does that make?
Boss: We have hundreds of past due orders.
Me: No, we have 22 past due orders.
Boss: I'm not going to argue with you.
Me: Good, because you'd lose.
Me: We're meeting with the customer at 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.
Boss: I hate mornings.
Me: The server crashed. IT Services is working to bring it back up.
Boss: Don't confuse me with all these technical details.
Me: The customer didn't receive that information because that product is not on our computer.
Boss: Give me a list of all products not on our computer.
Boss: Why haven't you started Project 193 yet?
Me: Because the customer has not yet committed to the specs.
Boss: What difference does that make?
Me: The program was written with 3 SQL selects inside a loop. It ran OK when we had 500 parts. Now that we have 10,000 parts, it runs real slow.
Boss: I don't understand.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Project 432, which you said was my top priority. Remember?
Boss: No.
Boss: Why aren't you working on Project 387?
Me: Because you said not to work on anything else until Project 432 was complete. Remember?
Boss: No.
Boss: I'm giving you only enhancements. I'm outsourcing all of the bug fixes.
Me: But this is a bug fix. It says so right here on the ticket.
Boss: Oh, I didn't have time to read the ticket.
Boss: Amazon is threatening to shut us down because we ship too many orders late. How do we fix this?
Me: Ship every order on time.
Boss: No, I meant, "How do we fix this with software?"
Boss, on December 31: Write a program to close every work order so we make our year end numbers.
Boss, on January 3: Why is the database so screwed up?
Boss: You did great this year. I'm giving you a 2% increase.
Me: I hate you. I quit.
Boss: Then I'll give you a 4% increase.
Me: I still hate you. I still quit.